I don’t really ‘hate’ Root beer.

You might recall in a previous post that I mentioned how I got my son to drink root beer. Well, I didn’t ‘get’ him to drink it, I opened a can of it thinking it was Cream soda, and I understand the look on my face was a hysterical picture of horror when I learned I had grabbed the wrong can off the shelf. (Damn store-brand soda!)

My exact words, if I recall, was “Root beer! I HATE Root beer!” Followed by my son’s first gulp of the beverage.

In truth, I don’t “HATE” root beer. I just don’t like it. It takes a lot to get me to HATE something. But I DO hate some things. Let me see if I can think of any:

1 –Rudeness – this is a major pet peeve of mine. It takes virtually NO effort to be pleasant. You don’t have to be an award winning cheermeister…but I smile or a kind word is SO easy to do. Do you have any idea how much effort goes into being nasty? You can’t possibly be a jerk and not know you are doing it. If you don’t know you are doing it, you are a BIGGER jerk…and it’s still inexcusable.

2 – Bullies – Ok, this is NOT because I was always the smallest, ugliest kid in the classroom. No, really. But in general, I think Bullying is “1a” to #1 above. Using your position of strength (physical or otherwise) to humble those who literately cannot stand up to you is unconscionable. I’d like to think for every bully there is a Big Guy waiting to kick his ass. This is only true 50% of the true…

3 – Traffic – Not the band, but rather the long line of cars that are not moving. (If you were born before 1975 you likely never heard of Traffic, and probably WOULD hate them…) Here is my beef with traffic: I understand that accidents ‘happen’. It’s the long line of people NOT in the accident that have to stop and stare at it. GET OUT OF MY WAY! I don’t care who got hurt, or why. Odds are, they are ok. If they are not, odds are there is a nice policeman handling it. If you are rubbernecking at something on the other side of the highway, you should be dragged out of your car and beaten. Sorry, I’m in a bit of a rush…

4 – the Commercialization of X-mas – In and of itself, Christmas is a nice idea. As a kid, it was about peace and love and harmony. Today, it’s about the long, long line of people I am obligated to buy presents for. *sigh*. Please, for the love of Baby Jesus, do not buy me a gift. And in return, I won’t feel obligated to buy YOU a gift. And now we can be friends without that awkward “what kind of present do I have to hope they will like that is not expensive or hard to get?” Don’t get me wrong, I LIKE to buy presents for my friends…but I don’t want to feel like I HAVE to because it’s late December. I don’t want YOU to feel that way, either.

5 – Crowds - yeah, I need some room, please. I don’t know you well enough to have your hands anywhere near my butt, nor do I want to smell your breath or have you step on my new sneakers. Again. If I can’t turn around without head-butting a stranger, then I am likely NOT somewhere I am normally comfortable being.

6 – Parades – I know, I know…Really, I’m a nice fun-loving guy. I really am! But standing around watching people dressed up as…as…geez what ARE these gals dressed up as? And why are they waving to me? Hi, hello, yes…move on. Ok, so I stand here and just watch these giant balloons walk by? But that would put me in a CROWD (see above). And I have to stand still for this long line of dressed up people and large balloons? Oh MAN. How long IS this line anyway…?

7 – Cold Weather - as a New Jersey resident, you would think that I would be used to the changing seasons. You would think that I would welcome the change every 3 months. I don’t. I don’t like to be cold. I’d rather be too warm than even a LITTLE cold. I don’t ski, I don’t snow board, I don’t watch Live Football. I don’t like to shovel snow, I don’t like to fall down in snow. I don’t like to go sledding. Why not sledding? BECAUSE THERE IS SNOW! My take on Winter has become very general over the years: If I can’t take off my shirt, catch a tan and enjoy this cold beer, I’m disappointed. If I can see my breath and have to dress in layers, I’m angry. In fact, that’s the REAL sticking point: Jacket = no problem. Gloves, scarves, boots, ear muffs and/or a hat? DONE. Heading to Florida…

8 – Reality shows about rich, stupid people – this may have become my biggest pet peeve as of late. First off, there are many more Hot Women on this planet that TV will ever show you. Just because your daddy is rich, does NOT mean you are ‘celebrity’ material. Kim Kardashian – tell me again what your skill set is? Right, I thought so. Paris Hilton – tell me again what your skill set is? Right you are sister! These 2 ‘daughters of the rich’…along with the 10,000 other wanna bees that MTV has churned out…are embarrassing. And they are too stupid to BE embarrassed, which is MORE embarrassing. Please Please Please just shut up and try on some perfume over THERE….
But wait, that’s not all! Now, if you are a wealthy ‘house wife’ you get on TV, too! Hey, if you have 8 kids at once…if you are a washed up B-level actress and/or if you were married to anyone who was wealthy and then went to jail…you get a TV show! YAY YOU!!! Now you get to PROVE that Americans will watch anything that features a size 2 girl wearing mascara!

BLEAUGHGHGH! I'll wash you reality tv twits with a nice cold Root Beer.